congrats, you've found my "journal." there is no point to this whatsoever,
except that i like the anonimity.

this is the only place where I don't have to lie about everything about me.
I don't even have a personality anymore, I just conform to what each
person wants me to be like. I lie about my politics, my opinions, everything,
because im too spineless to offend some people. I'm so sick of people telling
me what a good person I am, when they have no idea about all the fucked up
stuff going on in my head.

freedom of speech doesn't mean freedom of speech as long as you don't fucking
offend means you have the right to say whatever the hell you want

i left the only place that used to matter to me without saying goodbye to anyone.
i knew nobody would care. i used to kid myself that this was the one place where i
wasn't a massive loser, but then that moment happened, where i realised everyone
was just putting up with me. now i can't stop thinking about how im never gonna see
him again. im so stupid. he barely knows i exist, and if he does, he probably
thinks im disgusting and annoying. even if i did get to be with him, i know
id just be disappointed when he doesnt live up to the image in my head. how
long will it take me to learn that every human i meet will just let me down?
i feel like im drowning but i cant tell anyone how i feel because i dont
want to be a burden. ive had so many people talk to me and manipulate me with
their self hatred, i could never be that person to someone, so i guess ill
stick to venting to myself online.

i want to be happy, i want to go home but im stuck 20,000 kilometers away,
where all anyone does is make fun of me because of my accent or my name or
my face. i feel so claustrophobic, i can't leave this island of degenerates.
there is not one person here who would miss me if i left. i want to have fun,
to be pretty, to be anyone else but me, someone blisfully unaware of the
superfluity of human life. for the past 8 months ive been torn between these
desires to hurt myself, someone else, or to just be a normal person. it must
suck to be actively suicidal but it sucks even more to want to die, knowing
that you'll never be strong enough to do it, knowing that you'll be stuck in
a flavourless grey life for the next six or seven decades, never truly being
happy but also never having the will do put yourself out of your misery.
Because i know i wont.

i don't really know what i'm doing. i'm doing okay i guess, i've just
gotten to the stage where it doesn't matter anymore, i'm just living
inside my head where i can live in a dream, and nothing that happens
outside of it matters. lately i am finding it hard to do even that because
i can't stop thinking about him, and how perfect he would have been for
me. he doesn't know i exist. if i was anyone else, any other personality
it could have even worked out maybe, but i am great at ruining everything
for myself. i really hate myself but i've hated myself since i was like
eight so i guess that's nothing new. i know i always sound so depressed on
here, but im okay. i've accepted how it is, and when i'm not fixated on one
particular person i can even be okay with my eternal solitude. i just wish
the universe could have given me a break this one time, because he really
was different. every morning there is like a roulette of whether it'll be
emptiness, sadness or anger in the foreground, and i guess today we landed
somewhere between emptiness and sadness. but somehow i feel okay-ish.

its so funny how all this time i felt like i had no friends because i
just didn't like of them, but now i actually have no friends because
they hate me. my friend of over a decade and i aren't friends any more
because im not fun enough any more. she wants friends she can go to
parties with and get drunk and high with and fuck guys with 5 minutes
after meeting them, and i'm just a lonely loser who's too ugly and shy
to do any of that stuff. i know she feels it, every time we hang out
she looks painfully bored, almost pitying me. i won't hang around until
she tells me to get lost, so i guess ill bow out while i can. my other
friend, who i thought didn't hate me, has made it pretty obvious that
its over, and i have no idea why. i know if you're reading this i sound
like a terrible person, the last person you'd wanna be friends with, and
you're probably on their side. and i get it, i sound like a miserable bitch.
but in person, i don't show anyone this. i'm nice to everyone, and even if
i don't like someone, they'll never find out. i don't know what i'm doing
wrong. i feel so alone. whenever something comes to mind i turn around
and realize i have noone to tell it to. also the nightmares are back, i
keep dreaming that he's chasing after me and im terrified that he's gonna
touch me or hurt me. i think its because once again i've been humiliated
by people i thought were my friends. also, now the only person who knew
what happened with him is out of my life and i keep thinking about it
even though it was almost a year ago. i don't know why it still bothers
me so much. its not like anything really bad happened. anyway. i've been
studying for like 12 hours a day because that's all i have left, and if
i do anything less than perfect in school the last redeeming quality about
me will be gone. i wrote way too much. if anyone reads this, just know
that i only write here when things are going bad, and i'm not nearly
as insufferable as i sound here :)

hi again... its going ok i guess. im pretty stressed from school right
now, but whats new lol. i went to a party the other day and immediately
regretted it. i was such a loser but honestly by now i just find it funny.
i guess im doomed to be this nerdy straight a student who spends all her
time studying, and people tell me to be happy about it but in reality the
only reason i work so hard is because if im not smart then there is literally
nothing left to my personality. and yeah, im still thinking about that guy,
and it makes me hate myself because ironically enough i hate feeling pathetic
so i feel so lame when i cant stop thinking about this guy who probably doesnt
know who i am anymore. he wasnt even hot... or at least thats what im trying
to convince myself lol. i will have to go somewhere soon where i will see him
one last time and im dreading it... keep having nightmares. but i kind of like
those nightmares. i work a lot nowadays though so i can get out of here asap.

it's been a while! i went back to the place i mentioned before, where i had
to see him for the last time ever. i thought i would just see him across
the room or something, but no, i actually spoke to him for a while which
was amazing but didn't help. he's so nice, and really smart and funny...
and i guess i will never see him again now, but i'm glad i got to talk
to him one last time, though it made it a lot harder. i just couldn't
say goodbye to him in the end, i know he doesn't care but i probably
seemed really rude. we were talking for like half an hour, and then he
had to go and do something and i just left. i know i wouldn't have been
able to say goodbye without making it obvious how i felt, so its okay.
i know that if i hadn't been such a socially awkward loser i could have
shown that we had so much in common and maybe things would have been
different. i'm pretty sad about it right now but the truth is i feel
better than i have in ages, and i have a feeling that when i get over
this, i might actually be... content? anyway i think it's gonna be OK.